Note: Originally written on the 20th of June 2014
Having lived in 3 different continents, I’ve been surrounded by a wide variety of cultures in my 15.83 years. But of all the cultures I’ve seen in my life, the mostbizarre is without a shadow of doubt my very own, the Sudanese!
I have therefore decided to write you out a little guide on how to become Sudanese in 20 easy steps! Enjoy!
1. Live on Fool and Ta’mia.
A Sudanese breakfast without Fool and Ta’mia is not Sudanese. And if you don’t like Fool and Ta’mia, then you aren’t Sudanese either!
2. Get yourself a sifinja.
A “sifinja”, the Sudanese word for slipper, is the most abundant item in the Sudanese household. This, I believe, is because of its many uses. Sifinjas can be used as footwear, weaponry, and goal posts when playing street football. These delightful pieces of rubber just never stop giving!
3. Speak like a Sudanese.
This is one of the basics you’ve got to master if you want to be Sudanese. Sudanese people speak quickly and in a very sing-song voice. Here are a few phrases you are likely to hear in Sudanese conversation:
“Ya zoal” or “yakh”: the Sudanese equivalents to ‘bro’.
“Ya bit umi”: our way of saying ‘sista!’ It literally translates into ‘my mother’s daughter’.
“Wain al Fool?”: Where is the Fool?
“Aa-iy”: yes
“Shino?”: what?
“Bari”: this word has literally no meaning. It’s a term used in either of the following scenarios:
-Someone trips.
-You would like to refuse something.
-A child cries.
-You have absolutely no answer to a question someone asks you.
“Kur”: also has no meaning. It can be used when:
-Someone coughs.
-A child cries.
-Someone almost falls.
And there you have it! You can now speak Sudanese like a pro!
4. Dress like a Sudanese.
Standard Sudanese attire for men is the Jalabiya and the ‘Imma. For women, it’s the good ol’ Toub.
And if you’re a married Sudanese woman, then gurlfran, you better not be seen in public without Henna.
Jalabiya and 'Imma (left) and Toub (right). Jalabiya is the long white dress and 'Imma is the head wear. As you can plainly see, my mum is being a rebel and disobeying the Sudanese law of mandatory everyday Henna for married women, but she compensates with the Toub and gold.
5. Host a dinner party every single Friday.
Dinner parties to which the entire Sudanese community in your city is invited are extremely common (TOO common) in the life of a Sudanese. And you know what the best is? When your family decides to plan one of these bad boys during IGCSE’s/AS/ A2 Levels!
Please note that these dinner parties must contain Fool and Ta’mia.
6. Arrive late at all social gatherings.
Being fashionably late is one thing, but being Sudanesely late is another thing altogether!
7. Make a classic Sudanese exit when leaving a gathering.
The standard Sudanese exit consists of precisely the following phrases said in precisely the following order:
“Allah yesalimak”
“Allah yebarek feek”
“Allah yesalimak”
“Allah yebarek feek”
“Allah yesalimak”
“Allah yebarek feek”
It’s an infinite loop.
8. When greeting a fellow Sudanese, speak at the exact same time without paying any regard whatsoever to what the other party is saying.
What’s the point of ears? It’s not like whoever you’re greeting is going to say anything useful, now are they? You might as well blabber (in increasingly loud voices) at the same time.
9. Get yourself an excessive amount of gold.
If there’s one thing a Sudanese woman loves more than her gold, it’s buying it. I mean, come on, what’s a Sudanese woman without her BLING?!!
10. Invade other people’s privacy.
Respect other people’s privacy?
11. Become, marry and raise a doctor.
Now, this is Sudanese 101. It is absolutely critical that every single Sudanese person in the history of Sudan who wishes to make anything useful of himself (or herself) become a doctor. And as if that ain’t enough, you must also MARRY a doctor, and if you know what’s good for yourself, all of your offspring better become doctors, too.
12. Play terrible music.
I don’t think Sudanese people love their ears very much…
13. Make other people’s houses your home (in the most literal sense).
Sudanese people have a habit of reeeeally making themselves at home when they visit their friends, families and/or random strangers. This often means having SLEEPOVERS…………. when you haven’t even been invited.
14. Have a bed inside the living room.
If you don’t have a bed in the living room, then you should. Seriously. Get one. Now.
15. Subscribe to “The Blue Nile”.
Enter a Sudanese household, and you’re pretty much guaranteed to find all the women watching “The Blue Nile”, or as they call it, “Al Neel Al Azrag”, on TV. This basically involves watching nothing but evening parties in which the Beyoncé and Justin Timberlake of Sudan wow their adoring fans.
Note that the Sudanese government can fund all these parties, but can’t afford to feed all those poor Sudanese souls dying of hunger. Makes perfect sense.
16. March the house with Bakhour like it’s the Olympic Torch.
This, my friend, is the Bakhour. And whether it’s a wedding, a funeral, the weekend, or a weekday, then your house better reek of Bakhour, son.
17. Learn to zaghrit like a BAWS!
If you’re Arab, then you know what the art of ‘zaghrit’ing is: that deafeningly loud sound that women emit during weddings. In Sudan, zaghareet don’t sound like “lololololololoy”. They’re more like “ayooyooyooyooyoooooy”. Kind of like a cross between a fire alarm, an ambulance siren and a really annoying bird.
18. Learn to pee in a hole in the ground.
The "hole in the ground" toilet
More often than not, you’ll get dragged along to visit The Family in the rural parts of Sudan. And when it comes to urinating, you’re going to have a wee bit of a hard time (no pun intended). The first time I came face to face with the hole toilet, I freaking almost wet my pants. After a lot of coaxing from my cousin, Ifinally managed, but I never made the mistake of going to visit The Family again, always picking babysitting duty over that train wreck. You, however, may not be as lucky as I am, and that is why, dear reader, I find it totally necessary to give you the following advice: Learn how to use the “hole in the ground” toilet. Fair warning: it doesn’t smell like brownies.
19. When invited to a wedding, bring all your friends along.
Za more za merrier!!!
20. Be totally awesome!!!
Despite our few shortcomings, we really are amazing people. Sudanese folks are the kindest, funniest, smartest, most hospitable people you will ever hope to meet (*flips Toub*). So if you really want to be Sudanese, there’s one thing youmust do:
Don’t forget to be awesome.
