Corruption- Poem

With her head in the clouds

And the stars in her eyes

And the words that she spews

And the tears that she cries

And her bitter regrets

All the groans and the sighs

And the questions she ponders

And the “how”s and the “why”s

And the times she collapses

As the hope she felt dies

And her hands clamp her ears

To block out all the lies

It’s a harsh world she lives in

A world of broken ties

She was taught to resent

And to hate and despise

And she stumbles and tumbles

But she tries and she tries

Her whole past’s marked with scars

But with time, she grows wise

Through the highs and the lows

And the lows and the highs

Cause sometimes she may fall

Other times, she just flies

Her heart opens up

And this time she complies

She is done with runny noses

Fallen hair, blood-shot eyes

Now her head is thrown back

As she faces the skies

With a smile on her face

She will rise

She will rise

My Favourite Things Parody

So... on the way back home from Dubai in the car today, I suddenly decided I wanted to write a parody to My Favourite Things from the Sound of Music. And so I did. Here goes:

Lodges and woodlands and warm woolen jumpers
Football and riddles and poems and stumpers
Reading a book and the thrills that it brings
These are a few of my favourite things
Detectives that solve cases without hassle
Children that cast spells in magical castles
Wizards and Goblins and Hobbits and Rings
These are a few of my favourite things
Factions and Districts and sweet honeysuckle
Writers and YouTubers that make me chuckle
Vlogbrothers, ThatcherJoe, Miranda Sings
These are a few of my favourite things
Through nights of tears
Through all my fears
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember
my favourite things
and then I don't feel
so bad.

OH MY DAYS IT'S SO FREAKING HOT!!!

Can we talk about how hot it is outside?

All these years in Abu Dhabi, and I doubt it's ever been this bad. Merely walking two blocks has become quite the struggle! If it's this way now, then I don't even want to know how it's going to be like in another ten, twenty years, when our loser human actions towards this glorious planet really begin to take their toll.

Seriously though, you'd think that after eight whole years of this heat I'd be used to it by now. Yet, here I am, writing a blog post about it.

It doesn't help that my mom feels the need to mutter "حر عجيب" with every step we take, or that I am an exceedingly fabulous unicorn who insists on wearing sweatshirts right smack bang in  the middle of summer. 

However, there are a few advantages. First off, you can roast your marshmallows outside.

You can also bake outside.

Also, if you're carrying around food when you're out, you don't have to worry about it going cold. Hey, if anything, you've got yourself a natural portable microwave.

Also also, you never have to worry about it being cold, or about lugging around a jacket with you (unless you're an exceedingly fabulous unicorn).

So, really this heat is sort of a good thing, isn't it? 39ºC? Come on... that's not too bad.

Besides, maybe it's only the fact that I grew up in the cold that I find the weather here totally unbearable.

Or maybe it's just flipping hot.

Why Nerds Will Inevitably Rule The World

"What a nerd!"

You hear it all the time at school. You may have been called one. I was when I was a kid. And it used to really bother me....

UNTIL I REALIZED THAT BEING A NERD IS THE MOST AWESOME-SAUCE FREAKING THING EVER!!!

First off, can we please clear something up? Being a nerd does not mean you don't know how to have fun. It just means that you don't have to pretend to be someone you're not. Being a nerd gives you the liberty to be your own person and to not care what other people think! It means you can spazz and rave and enthuse about whatever you want, and you don't have to live up to anyone's expectations of you. And it sure as hell is refreshing!

Second, as John Green ever so brilliantly put it, "Saying 'I noticed you're a nerd" is like saying "hey, I noticed that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?'"

Preach, Green!

So basically, if you're a nerd, then you're just more intellectually advanced than everyone else, making you a million billion trillion times more likely to succeed in life. And therefore more likely to rule the world.

Also, there's a candy named after us. So we win at life.

Here's another gem from our old pal, Mr. Green:

“…because nerds like us are allowed to be unironically enthusiastic about stuff… Nerds are allowed to love stuff, like jump-up-and-down-in-the-chair-can’t-control-yourself love it. Hank, when people call people nerds, mostly what they’re saying is ‘you like stuff.’ Which is just not a good insult at all. Like, ‘you are too enthusiastic about the miracle of human consciousness’.”

So next time you insult someone by calling them a nerd, you better think of something better to say. Because telling someone that they're studious, cultured, intelligent and likely to be sorted into Ravenclaw (Luna Lovegood and Ollivander's House, just saying!) sounds pretty much like a compliment to me!

(Also, did you see how Erudite freaking owned all the other Factions? Knowledge, guys!)

"What a nerd!"
They say it like it's a bad thing.

Expressions That Shouldn't Be Expressions

I keep telling myself that I should maybe write something nice on this blog. Then I remember its name.
So here's a bunch of expressions that I find bizarre!
(Who comes up with these things?)

1. The saying "easy as pie".

Anyone who's ever made pie knows that making it is not easy. So by that logic, this phrase might as well be "easy as pure maths".


2. "It ain't over till the fat lady sings."

 I didn't know the Fat Lady could sing!

3. To "headbutt" someone.

Striking someone's face or body with your head like this is not a headbutt.

A headbutt is what happens to me after every Sujoud at the Masjid.


4. To give someone "a run for their money".

Which is really not a nice thing to do to someone.

Hey, look! I've drawn a picture describing human nature!

5. To be "broke".

Just because you don't have any money, doesn't mean you're broken and worthless.
This saying is so typical of the money-worshiping society we live in and is the very reason our kind fails at attaining long-term happiness and peace of mind, with the mentality we currently have forcing us to perceive mon-

"Malak, do you need some sleep?"

"Yes!"

6. "Break a leg."

This statement has boggled me for years, so I looked into it. And I found this:

While it may seem strange to wish someone good luck by wishing an injury upon them, this phrase came about in the theater, where superstition dictated that wishing someone good luck would have the opposite result, whereas a curse would be reversed.

Huh!

7. "What goes up must come down."

No! What goes up does not necessarily have to come down! In fact, if it wasn't for the force of gravity, what goes up would just keep going up! That's Newton's First Law for you! Stop trying to be philosophical and get yo facts right!

8. "James Rodríguez moves to Real Madrid."

These six words should never ever ever ever ever ever ever be used in that order in a sentence.

9. "Bob's your uncle."

Which is used in Britain to mean "and there you have it!"
But really, it's the most ridiculous expression I've ever heard.
I'm pretty sure Hassan's my uncle.

Bob is amazed at the number of nephews and nieces he has.

10. To be "head over heels in love".

Do these guys realize that heads are always over heels?! That's basic human anatomy, people!

11. "It's raining cats and dogs".

God forbid.

And lastly...
12. "You can't have your cake and eat it too."

Wanna bet?

The Seed

I lay on a day as warm as May, on a lawn so damp and green,
Outside, my coat was as hard as stone, but inside, I had a dream.
I wanted to change the world, but it was rather tough, you see,
For a coated piece of embryo, as small and weak as me.
The others thought that I was mad, they said I'd lost my wits,
That folks like us don't go make change, they lie in apple pits.
But then one night, the wind blew hard, and before I was aware,
I found myself in a garden far, and boy, was it a scare!
I was buried deep down in the soil, where sunlight does not shine,
My chances at my dream diminished, and I was out of time.
But as time passed, I felt that something was brewing inside,
And soon a root and shoot emerged, and I was filled with pride.
I flourished and thrived over time, and soon stood firm and tall,
And apples glistened on my arms, like blood-red shiny balls.
But though I was tall and strong and I evidently grew,
I couldn't help but notice that my dream had not come true.
And misery engulfed me, and I felt really dejected,
I hadn't changed the world just yet. My fears had been projected.
But one day in the summer heat, a young man, he arrived,
And sat down at my feet and contemplated his whole life.
Then suddenly, it hit me, and I knew what must be done,
I'd drop an apple on his head in three, two, one...
The apple fell, I heard a groan, he turned and glared at me,
Five seconds later, the man gasped and whispered "gravity!"
I'd done it, I'd achieved my dream, it called for celebration,
Believe it or not, I had set down the physics foundation.
And Newton prospered, and he wrote an entire book too!
Just look at what a coated piece of embryo can do.

SUMMER OF AWESOME

I have a confession to make.

Truth is, I am one of those people who make a list of all sorts of exhilarating, adventurous, and productive things to do during summer holiday. But once the reality of not having AS levels to study for sinks in, I generally end up lying around watching TV, sleeping, and surfing the internet.

But can you blame me? Once you're trapped in that loop, there ain't no going back, son.

It's not like those are the only things I've done all summer. I mean, I am currently employed at a summer camp for kids, and am earning a whopping salary of $00.00!!! And though the kids are adorable (Ma Shaa Allah!), and it is sort of nice entertaining them 5 hours a day, 6 days a week... it can get incredibly tiring (especially for no pay). Also, spending my evenings picking glue off of my fingers is not what I had in mind when I planned this whole "Summer of Awesome" thing. And if I get into one more conversation in which I must reply to every single statement with "Really? Wow!", I think I might just go mad.

A few of the things on that damned list were to start exercising, to carry on learning French, to learn to cook, and to decide what on earth I wanted to do with my life. And seeing as I still can't do a push-up, my francais est tres crap, we're a month into summer and I can't remember a time when I put something in the oven and it didn't come out burnt, and I just found out that professional football-watching is not an option, I think it's safe to say that I can cross off... let's see... one, tw- NO ITEMS OFF MY LIST.

I won't say this summer is going badly. I got to see my best friend after ages,  I got into a full-on water-fight with our, ahem, "graduates", which was fun, and I went for Umrah, so this summer is at least an improvement to 2012's (which I spent drowning in self-inflicted misery). But in terms of exhilaration, in all honesty, the most exciting part of it all was when our car wouldn't start halfway between Makkah and Al-Madinah.

And in terms of productivity,... heh heh.

Why My Friends Are Awesome Pawsome

Over the past few years, I think it's safe to say that I've gotten to know a super cool bunch of psychopaths.
This is my blog post dedicated to each and every one of those psychopaths. Never stop being psychopathic.

Here is a list (I really like making lists) of reasons as to why my friends are da bomb dot com:

1. They are superb at whining and postponing tests (Ms Naseem & Mr Rizwan can vouch for that. Come to think of it, so can Mr Tarek... and Ms Rola...).

I mean it, they are top notch. I honestly can't remember ever doing a physics test in Year 11 without postponing it (multiple times) before, or at the very least nagging about it.
I also vaguely remember us forming a team called the PQCS, the Physics Quiz Cancellation Squad, or something along those lines, at some point last year.

2. They come up with the most awesome-sauce nicknames!

Let's be real... Who wouldn't love to be called Malic Acid/ Malek/ MaloOka/ Stupid Idiot?
Answer: nobody.

3. They give me socks and have freed me from a lifetime of house elfery.

And by they, I mean Fatima of course, recognizable from her world-famous extravagant handwriting.

4. THEY ARE THE ABSOLUTE BEST AT PLANNING THINGS!

Can we stop and think about how much mad skill it takes to use up 2 whole weeks to plan a simple outing and then bail out of it the night before?

You guys deserve a big fat pat on the back.

5. They are kind and sweet and would never insult me in my wildest dreams

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B.

My life in a nutshell.

And then, they go:

Sigh!

6. They know what خياط is in English.

And that, in and of itself, deserves a round of applause.

7. They have come to terms with my madness a long time ago, and are incredibly supportive about it.

8. They record extremely long voice notes with a lot of rambling and hardly any content :').

You hear me, Sania Javed?
I'm talkin' to you.

9. We live out our dreams together.

Okay, I know that sounds incredibly lame, but yes, yes actually, watching our very first live football match and having one of our favourite goalkeepers wave at us was, in actual fact, a dream come true.

10. They are really really quiet during mechanics class (which is why Mr Rizwan loves us so much).

So quiet, you could hear a needle drop.

11. They teach me their languages.

And wah bahut achchha!

12. They always have food to go around!

For popcorn, you can go to Leen.
For cheese strings, you can come to me.
For chocolate, it's Farah/ Eman/ Hanin.

And if your food gets lost, you better believe Marah and Hanan are behind it.
So best not leave your food lying around for more than 30 seconds.

13. They are epic in the field of selfies.

Here's one, courtesy of none other than Sania Javed.

14. They put up with all my nonsense and readily agree to all the terrible ideas I drag them into.

As you can see, I am subject to physical abuse.

I will admit though... Sometimes, I deserve it.

15. They give me the most extravagant gifts.

This is one of my favourites. 

16. Nine of us can fit into a photo booth meant for three. 

And we have photographic evidence.

17. Our comics are hands-down the bomb!

Never heard of Rabbit Crabbit? What, do you live under a rock?

18. They are all incredibly talented (Ma Shaa Allah).

Be it at singing, the arts,dancing, or making me chuckle, my friends are all just really darn talented.
One of them has just created a Marauders' Map (you may freak out in three, two, one...), one of them is making a cartoon, I could just go on and on...

Heck yeah, you do!

19. They are really good at filling up my phone with incredibly disturbi... errr... attractive selfies.

And if I didn't have a little bit of heart, they'd be all over the Internet.

20. They are really really good at picking their friends.

They picked me, didn't they? :)

The World Cup and Its Hype

The FIFA WC- Broken down for beginners by Yours Truly

[Note: This would make a lot more sense to you if you knew that I'd actually written and published this on my blog.com blog at the start of the World Cup, but when I switched sites, I decided I just couldn't leave it behind! :)]

With the World Cup under way, I had a couple of people coming up to me and asking me to educate them about football, which in truth is some serious bizz. No doubt the worldwide hype about the World Cup has (rightfully) lured even those who know absolutely nothing  about the Beautiful Game into its clutches. So I thought, hey! Why not write a little explanation on all things World Cup to include even the least knowledgeable of football folk in the month-long buzz?!

Now, the World Cup, as you may or may not know (if you didn’t know this, you’re a hopeless case and you might as well click that little red cross at the top right corner as this is not for you! Only joking) is held in Brazil this year, from Thursday, June 12 through Sunday, July 13. The World Cup comes around every 4 years and is held in a different country every time, and it is literally the most exciting football tournament you can ever hope to witness. The World Cup (WC for short) consists of 32 countries from every continent battling it out for this beautifully-made piece of alloy.

Now before we get into the depths of the WC, I would like to point out that it is called the “FIFA World Cup” or just the “World Cup”, and not “FIFA”. FIFA is the name of the international football fed, the Fédération Internationale de Football Association, the federation which is itself in charge of all things football. Call the World Cup “FIFA” and I’ll pound you into a Cheerio.

On to the system of the good ol’ WC… Now, the tournament is divided into:

1. The group stage.

2. Round of 16.

3. Quarter-finals.

4. Semi-finals.

5. The Final.

We’ll start off with the group stage, eh?

1. THE GROUP STAGE

The group stage consists of 8 groups, each consisting of 4 teams.

What happens is that each team plays the other 3 teams in its group. Every match won is worth 3 points, every match drawn is worth 1 point, and every match lost is worth 0 points (Hoorah!). At the end of the group stages, which end on the 26th of June, unless I’m mistaken, the top 2 teams with the most points from each group move on to the next stage, the Round of 16, and the other 2 teams can kiss their World Cup dreams farewell.

But what happens if 2 teams have the same number of points? Who qualifies then?

According to FIFA’s official rules, tiebreaking procedures are in place if needed. In the event that two teams are tied, a distinction will be made based on goal differential (basically, this is calculated by subtracting the total number of goals conceded in all group stage matches from the number of goals scored. The team with greatest goal difference goes through!) followed by total goals.

In the unlikely event that a tie still exists, it will then come down to the head-to-head result between those two teams. If they are still tied after that, then the FIFA Organizing Committee will hold a random draw to determine who advances (but I don’t think this has ever happened in the history of football).

There are usually 3 matches everyday during group stages, one at 8 pm UAE time (minus 3 hours for GMT), one at 11 pm and one at 2 am (but I think timings and the number of matches per day vary). You can check the schedule on:http://www.fifa.com/worldcup/matches/

So basically, at the end of group stages, we will have 16 teams, two from each of the 8 groups, moving onto the Round of 16!

So far (as of Thursday the 19th of June), the following group stage matches have taken place:

Brazil 3 – 1 Croatia: In which Brazil, in all honesty, could have played better.

Mexico 1 – 0 Cameroon

Spain 1 – 5 Netherlands: A SHOCKING MATCH! Spain, 2010’s World Cup champions, got hammered 1-5 by the Netherlands (also known as Holland, in case you didn’t know). Holland was last World Cup’s runner-up.

Chile 3 – 1 Australia

Colombia 3 – 0 Greece

Uruguay 1 – 3 Costa Rica

England 1 – 2 Italy: In which Joe Hart got hella ticked off!!!

Côte d’Ivoire 2 – 1 Japan

Switzerland 2 – 1 Ecuador

France 3 – 0 Honduras

Argentina 2 – 1 Bosnia-Herzegovina: In which I almost died of happiness when Messi scored!

 Germany 4 – 0 Portugal: ALSO A BIT SHOCKING! We all expected Germany to win, but not by such a large goal margin (I mean, 4 goals?!!! Siriusly, Portugal?)

Iran 0 – 0 Nigeria

 Ghana 1 – 2 USA

Belgium 2 – 1 Algeria: In which all us Arabs were sad that Algeria, the only Arab nation in the WC, got defeated after being 1-0 up. Granted, their goal was a penalty, but Belgium really is a good team…

Brazil 0 – 0 Mexico: In which Brazil played like grandmas and Mexico’s goalie played like A BAWS!!!

 Russia 1 – 1 South Korea

 Netherlands 3-2 Australia

 Chile 2-0 Spain: THE MOST JAW-DROPPING MATCH IN THE HISTORY OF FOOTBALL!!!!!!! WITH THIS RESULT, SPAIN, REIGNING WORLD CUP CHAMPIONS, ARE NOW OUT OF THE WORLD CUP AFTER ONLY 2 MATCHES!!!

 Croatia 4-0 Cameroon

On to the Round of 16…

2. THE ROUND OF 16

As the name suggests, the round of 16 consists of 16 teams. Here’s how it works:

Match	Team 1	Team 2
1	Winner A	Runner-up B
2	Winner B	Runner-up A
3	Winner C	Runner-up D
4	Winner D	Runner-up C
5	Winner E	Runner-up F
6	Winner F	Runner-up E
7	Winner G	Runner-up H
8	Winner H	Runner-up G

 So basically, 1st place from Group A plays 2nd place from Group B, and 1stplace from Group B plays 2nd place from Group A, and so on. This is why there’s a lot of pressure on teams in the group stage to actually top the group; anyone would rather play second place from another group instead of first place.

Now, in the round of 16, there are no ties. It’s either win or lose, seeing as one team must knock out the other in order to proceed into the quarter finals. So, if a match ends in a tie, we move on to 30 minutes of beautiful extra time (beautiful for us fans, mind, who are sitting at home on the couch with a packet of crisps, maybe even Orange Aero, in hand. Not for the players, who have been running around for 90 full minutes and must now run around for another 30!!). Now, extra time can get a bit frustrating, and if a team you really like is playing, you may just want to pull your hair out. Beautiful game, football!

And if no one scores during extra time, then guess what happens? Penalties, everyone’s fave (not really)!!

For how penalty shootouts work, see “Procedure” in the following link:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penalty_shoot-out_(association_football)

And if you think that extra time is nerve-racking, then you ain’t seen nothin’ yet…

3. QUARTER-FINALS

I assume you know how quarter-finals work…

Match	Team 1	Team 2
A	Winner 1	Winner 3
B	Winner 2	Winner 4
C	Winner 5	Winner 7
D	Winner 6	Winner 8

4. SEMI-FINALS

Winners of the quarter-finals move onto semi-finals.

Match	Team 1	Team 2
1	Winner A	Winner C
2	Winner B	Winner D

Despite the fact that the semi-final losers will have their World Cup dreams shattered (*sobs*), they won’t be sent home yet. A third-place game will take place as consolation, just to determine who gets third place and who gets fourth.

5. THE FINAL (DUN DUN DUUUUN!!!)

 And before you know it, we’re at the final, the most exciting excitement you can ever excite yourself about (just trying to emphasize my excitement)!!!

Do note that the quarter-finals, semi-finals, the third-place game, and the final all follow the same rules of the round of 16, and that in the case of a tie, we move onto extra time and penalties as well. All these rounds are all referred to as “knock-out stages”, cause, yano, you get knocked out.

So that’s the system of the World Cup for ya… Obviously, every year there are different favourites to win. This year, everyone had their money on Brazil. But I’ll be frank, Brazil has been playing like sissies so far (sorry Brazil, you know I love you), and I’d say Netherlands is actually quite likely to win, seeing as they totally throttled Spain during the group stage. I’m rooting for Argentina though, so that the haters can back off of Messi (spelled with an ‘i’, my dear beginners).

And being the totally awesome person that I am (shokhi), I’m going to give you a little list of which players to look out for during this year’s World Cup:

Neymar (Brazil) [Neymar’s a young 22 year old lad whose got everyone’s eyes glued onto him after his ah-maaazing performance during last year’s Confederation’s Cup (Ma Shaa Allah)], Lionel Messi (Argentina), Cristiano Ronaldo (Portugal), Arjen Robben (the Netherlands), Robin van Persie/ RVP (the Netherlands), Luis Suarez (Uruguay), Thomas Müller (Germany), Andres Iniesta (Spain), Mario Balotelli (Italy), Wayne Rooney (England), and of course, Guillermo Ochoa (Mexico).

Really, there are many, many more, but these are the main ones who I’m watching closely this WC.

So, yes, that’s basically how the World Cup works, the good old, beautiful, unpredictable World Cup, and if you’re still asking yourself why you can’t see Barcelona or Real Madrid in any of the above groups, then the red cross option is still available.

I hope you’ve actually learnt something from all this, and if you’d like any concept about football in general clarified, please do feel free to ask.

But for now, this is me, Malak slash Malek, signing off.

Resources:

http://www.fifa.com/worldcup/matches/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goal_difference

http://worldcup2014results.org/

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/2084315-world-cup-2014-format-explaining-rules-to-fifa-tournament-in-brazil